[Notice: This story was originally written in the seventh month of 2024, but was not published until the ninth month of 2024.]
I don't remember when i first learned of the plaza, nor do i remember when i first visited it, other than that it must have been quite a long time ago; i have a vague idea of how it probably happened, but no certain memories from that time. What i do know is that i didn't go there much for a long time after that; it was a while until i became a regular visitor, and i have no distinct memories of the plaza from before that time. For a long time, i forgot that it even existed.
I do distinctly remember when i first became a regular of the plaza, because there was one specific visit that i think marked the beginning of that time. I remember little about that visit, but it was the first time that i remember meeting a lot of people that i would later come to know a lot more, and i can even remember a few details of the conversations i had then. I don't remember why i made that visit, or even what reminded me of the plaza, but that visit led me into a whole new community stretching far beyond the borders of the plaza.
It turned out that outside of the plaza, that community was a little fucked up, particularly what was unquestionably the biggest space within it. Much of the time, when i visited the plaza, i was coming from that biggest space, and was only visiting the plaza as a side thing. I was trying to get along with and participate in that biggest space, but as i grew more and more disillusioned with it, i ended up finding myself visiting the plaza more and more because it was just so much nicer of a place to be than the biggest space was.
The relations between that biggest space and the people of the plaza were…tenuous, to say the least. I don't think that they ever really got along perfectly, but they did at least tolerate each other for a long time, albeit with vacillation in exactly how much. Nevertheless, eventually things reached a tipping point, and relations ended up breaking down. My disillusionment with the biggest space had only grown greater over time, so when relations collapsed, i felt that it was as good a time as any to say good riddance to that biggest space and abandon it. It wasn't much of a fuss to do so; i just left one day and didn't go back, and i've not heard a damn thing about it since.
My visits to the plaza only grew more numerous after that, and i think the connections i had with the people there became stronger—both the good ones and the bad ones. …Yeah, i definitely didn't get along with everyone in the plaza. I would always try my best to give my best effort in all the interactions i had during my visits, even when there were disagreements, but despite that, things didn't always go exactly swimmingly. I can't particularly remember anything that i would consider to be a real shitshow, but maybe i'm unconciously wanting to remember things as better than they were.
That's not to say that it was all like that—there were plenty of good times i had when i visited the plaza! I'd like to think that of all the connections i had with the people of the plaza, most of them were positive, or at least neutral. There are some people who i think i got along with pretty well. I have good memories of those people.
I think that i first noticed that something was wrong with the plaza when i noticed one day that it had been several days since anything had happened in the plaza. Nobody was doing anything; the usual activities of the plaza had well and truly completely and entirely ceased. They would resume a few days later, but the experience still left me with a feeling of uncomfortableness. I didn't know what had happened that caused that emptiness, and i was worried it might indicate something deeper.
The plaza had changed, but it had happened too slowly for me to notice.
There were a few people who were considered to be “in charge” of the plaza, but for as long as i had been a regular of the plaza, it had seemed to me that this was only a formality. I could only remember a few times when these people had really properly used their otherwise-mostly-theoretical power, and the way i read the situation, it was obligated by matters beyond the purview of the plaza. For the most part, it had felt to me that all the people of the plaza were equals in all the ways that really mattered.
Now it looked to me like those times had passed, and things were different. The people with power were using it more now—and unfortunately for me, i wasn't on their good sides, because they were some of the people that i didn't get along with.
Some elements of the times from before remained. There were still some good times left; but it was feeling more and more like they were being outweighed by the bad times, times of conflict and strife and anger and hate.
Even with hindsight, i still don't really know what changed. Something definitely did, as evidenced by the effects of the change, but what caused those effects is still a bit of a mystery to me. Maybe other people have ideas; maybe there's something that i'm missing that's really obvious to other people that they assumed i also knew. It wouldn't be the first time i've had to deal with something like that, but i suppose that i can't blame them much, since one of the things about obviousness is that what's obvious to one person is generally obvious to other people, particularly people that are similar to that person.
But eventually, things came to a head. One day, when i went to visit the plaza, i saw a sign that indicated that i was no longer welcome. I though this was obviously false—after all, there were regulars of the plaza that i thought i got along with just fine—but when i tried to enter anyway, the people in charge of the plaza made me leave. I tried again and again to get in anyway—there was little in the way of barriers of any sort around the plaza—but i kept getting thrown out, and eventually i gave up.
I would later learn that the people in charge of the plaza had decided to prohibit me from visiting the plaza during a time that i was away from it, without giving me an opportunity to negotiate or telling me a reason behind it. From what i could find of the situation, it felt to me like they had kind of…snapped. But i have the inclination that that's not correct—i'm not any sort of mind reader, and i wouldn't like to make assumptions, but considering that my connection with those people was a negative one for a long time before then…i feel like they probably had been thinking about doing this for a while.
It's been a long time since that happened. I don't know what the plaza is like nowadays, although on occasion i do still encounter some of the regulars of the plaza, since i'm still sort of in the larger community that the plaza introduced me to. However, most of that larger community feels sort of…desolate. The plaza was, for me, the single biggest part of the community, and having that taken away from me hurt.
As i mentioned before, the plaza doesn't have much in the way of barriers around it, so i could probably sneak back into it—and even if i got thrown back out, i know the weaknesses of the plaza, and could just sneak back on in again. On the other hand, that might make the people in charge of the plaza install barriers that would stop not just me, but other, more innocent people from visiting the plaza. I suppose it would be their action, not mine, that would be the cause of that, but i probably would still feel a guilt about it, no matter the irrationality.
Then again, i don't really know if i want to go back to the plaza. Maybe it's gotten better since last i was there, but my final visits to the plaza were ones that i didn't really find to be all that great. It may have once been a significant part of my life, but it doesn't need to be. There are other places i can go besides the plaza. I think that if the plaza were to become something that i've left in the past…i can't say it's something i'd be happy about, but it would be something that i'd be able to accept.